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Last Tuesday, I walked into my favorite local coffee shop, already daydreaming about my caramel macchiato. As I hurried to the bathroom, I barely noticed the sign that read, “Out of Order – Please Use Other Stall.” Ignoring the alternative option and determined to get in, I jiggled the lock furiously, only to hear a faint voice from the other side say, “Excuse me, but I believe I’m already occupying this space!” It turned out there was someone in there, and between my frantic attempt to get in and their confused reassurances, I created an unexpected stand-off. We were both committed to having a little too much coffee at the most inopportune moment.
There we were, a showdown in a tiny bathroom that could barely accommodate one person, let alone two strangers. I could hear them trying to convince me they had no plans on leaving anytime soon—like we were negotiating a peace treaty. After what felt like an eternity of awkwardness, I sheepishly exited, only to find the barista holding back laughter as she handed me my drink, the sign flipping over to read: “Now Available: A Quiet Cup of Coffee and a Cautionary Tale About Bathroom Etiquette.” Talk about a morning wake-up call!
S
Is the guest a guarantee
W
I’m in
S
Hell yeah, the more the merrier My summer camp had a 3 man outhouse, grand old time
B
For when you need to take a group poop.
W
Sword fight! Wait a minute…
S
Battleshits!
G
It’s a team building exercise.
O
Oh team building exercise, not tonight! It’s business time!
O
The 3 peepeesteers
B
I was at a frat party where the bathroom had one toilet and one urinal, but 6 dudes were peeing at a time. 1. toilet 2. urinal 3. bathtub 4. shower stall 5. sink 6. open window.
S
I experienced that one time and will never forget it. We all had been holding it for way too long and I was just dying for a pee. I remember the moment where it’s like fuck it, dignity is overrated lmao
S
So you could hold hands?
D
Yep, we had a three holer too. Until a black widow spider built her nest in one, no one would use it after that.
S
w..wow, they got suspended *real* fast… wtf
T
Really? I didn’t feel a thing! /s
T
*the guest is in
M
Well then it wouldn’t be a suprise
G
“I want what’s behind door #2, Wayne!”
A
It’s like a box of chocolates.
M
The surprise is that you may or may not get one
M
No guarantee. Only anxiety
V
Let me in let me in let me in
M
You have my attention
B
It could literally be anyone, how exciting!
R
We are waiting.
C
Dont threaten me with a good time.
T
I was once intensely hungover, in a greasy spoon waiting for my breakfast with a table full of friends. I thought I was going to throw up, so I walked to the bathroom, opened the door, made very embarrassing eye contact with a woman having rather bad stomach issues, she started apologizing profusely, I said “Ah! It’s okay!” And slammed the door. Always make sure the door is locked before your ass is on that pot.
U
This more or less happened to me at work once (sans the hungover part); we have a major shortage of restrooms for the number of employees, and they are all just single person with a locking door. Whenever possible I wait until after 5pm, since it’s usually about a 50/50 shot whether one will be available at any given time and rattling a locked knob all the time is annoying. So it’s like 5:15, nearly everyone is gone, I head to the bathroom in a hurry; open door and walk right in on a coworker taking a shit. Good times for everyone. I’ve seriously considered just paying for those knobs that say “Open” or “In Use” depending on if it’s locked. (Which still wouldn’t have helped in this scenario, but.)
Q
Would’ve been funny if you puked then and there. It would’ve made for a fun anecdote for you, and at least 5 years therapy for her.
T
I honestly think about how her luck or karma or whathaveyou was so incredibly well balanced that even though I walked into that tiny bathroom while she was mid-crisis, I did not barf all over her like the Exorcist, because if I recall correctly the previous night was nothing but Strawberrita tall-boys and Little Ceasars pizza.
D
Hey, sometimes milliseconds matter! The critical path leaves locking the door as optional.
Y
That lock really said “privacy is optional today” 😭
M
But sometimes you have to run in backwards.
X
Only a month ago I was at the shops and needed to pee, but the bathrooms were closed for cleaning. I went to the disabled toilet which has a button to open the door, and a button inside lock it once it’s closed. Because it’s a disabled toilet the door stays open for ages to allow you to get in there properly. Anyway, I press the button and the door swings open and this young guy is just sitting there chucking a shit. That wasn’t the most disturbing part, it was the fact his dick was hanging on the OUTSIDE of the toilet, not in the toilet. He didn’t even bother to try and cover it. I just apologised and went to another bathroom.
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[deleted]
B
Why is her body hair relevant in this story?
T
They like em bald🤣🤣🤣
K
I worked at a gas station where the bathroom lock on the outside looked like a flathead screw head, so you could unlock it with just a coin. Turns out, you can unlock it was a set of keys in your hand, too. I was in the middle of peeing and I heard some lady grab the handle with her car keys still in her hand. She jiggled the handle. It was locked. I heard her talking to someone and she jiggles the handle some more as she’s talking. Something slides into the groove of the lock as she’s holding the handle and I watch the lock turn and the door open about an inch for her. I yelled out, “Occupied!” But she’s just chatting and laughing away with her friend and didn’t hear me. She finally says she’ll see them later and starts walking in and I’m just sitting there on the toilet wide-eyed. “Still in here!” She finally noticed me and ran back out.
B
“Oh boy, it sure is troublesome that this door is locked. I wonder what it could mean? I mean, who would ever lock a bathroom and why? Surely just to inconvenience me. I’ll just save everyone the trouble and bypass it. What’s the worst that could happen?”
N
I would like to think she was doing the thing where you’re trying to play it cool but inside you’re fighting the battle of a lifetime.
V
Let me in let me in let me in
H
things that didn’t happen for $400, Alex
U
Can the surprise guest be a local celebrity?!
B
You never know
S
“It could be anyone! It could even be a local celebrity!”
S
I like surprises
C
*familiar DoorDasher shows up*
T
https://youtu.be/l_obaFqgS_Q?si=by4Y-71zkkeKtBi1
A
They will be once the article gets published
A
It will be Bill Murray and you two can play “cross the streams” while peeing!
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