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**Title:** Guess who got too excited at seeing big bags of peanuts on clearance for 63 cents, got home only to realize that they’re RAW, and is now spending the first day of the new year roasting a metric fuckton of peanuts?
I walked into the store, spotted this incredible deal—big bags of peanuts for just 63 cents! I assumed they were the perfect ready-to-eat snacks. Back home, in my triumphant high, I ripped open a bag and popped one into my mouth. That immediate, unmistakable chalky crunch informed me all too quickly that these were, in fact, raw peanuts.
There I was, taking in the New Year with peanut dust coating my tongue and an undeniable irony hanging in the air. I had just unwrapped 2023’s first laugh from the universe by unwittingly gifting myself hours of peanut roasting. Now, as the air fills with the aroma of redemption, I can’t help but laugh at my overly enthusiastic bargain-hunting self. Here’s to starting the year with humor—and an ungodly amount of freshly roasted peanuts!
K
You could raise a squirrel army in your neighborhood for only 63 cents.
R
Would you ever be in control of the squirrel army, though? I’d be afraid of being a puppet general.
S
What if deez nuts run out
M
That’s a moot point because at the moment, they got ‘em!
B
I think its “moo point”. Like a cow’s opinion, it doesn’t matter.
R
I believe it’s moop point, in reference to the Moops, who invaded Spain in the 8th century.
B
What a trivial pursuit.
C
Yo yo ma!
T
Pretty impressive when you realize they were inside of a bubble the entire time.
D
At least that’s what it says on the card… rules of the game.
Y
Is it just me, or is that starting to make sense?
D
Great episode. Also when they’re stealing the cheesecake from the neighbor and fighting over it in the hall. It drops. Joey comes around the corner and they look embarrassed because they’re eating it. He pulls out a spoon from his coat and says “what are we eating?”
S
Fork*
E
Thanks, Joey.
M
Yeah. It’s moo.
F
Ive been feeding a pair of squirrels peanuts for a couple of years now and one lets me pet his head. I think in a few more years I’ll be able to direct them to kill for me.
N
You fucked with squirrels!
B
Now we gotta leave!
S
I said that we can only do that a couple of times. We’re fucked over here! Because of these damn squirrels.
B
He who controls the peanuts controls the squirrels
B
*You fucked with the squirrels Morty!*
G
Or a murder of crows to steal things for you.
S
That was my first thought! My crows love peanuts!
D
Too many peanuts = bad for squirrels. Depleted their potassium. Says every peanut related post on r/squirrelproblems. Rats really like them. Raise a rat army.
C
A seven squirrel army
O
Couldn’t hold me back
J
This guy Stripes.
J
It would be the cheapest army in history, that’s for sure.
J
“You’d be surprised” – The Ants
K
MAKE FRIENDS WITH A MURDER!
D
And I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married…
P
Easy there janitor…
C
10/10 experience. Your whole house will smell like peanut for a week straight, but they are so good.
J
It does!
W
My grandma put raw peanuts in her peanut brittle, as they would roast a bit in the hot sugar.
T
This is the answer, start making peanut brittle.
Y
As a kid I’d shatter peanut brittle so I could discard the peanuts and just eat the brittle.
A
Just so yk as an adult you can just make the Caramel itself without the peanuts lol
R
And bring the peanut brittle to work. People LOVE having homemade snacks to eat.
B
Grammatically speaking, is singular peanut more correct than plural peanuts in this context? *Not ESL but also not particularly smart* tia!
T
You could say: The house smells like (it is) a peanut Or The house smells like (the abstract concept of) peanut Or The house smells like (the concrete item) peanuts All ok! Slightly different connotations, and I support the choice for linguistic comedy
S
You can also point at them and say “The house smells like deez nuts” 👉 🥜
F
Thank you for your service.
E
Roasted nuts was such a distinctive smell. My dad would take me into the city for the Thanksgiving day parade when I was a kid. And ill always associate that smell with cold weather in NYC. Was trying to find out what kind of nuts they sold, and it looks like it was a variety. A video about the NYC vendors that I only watched part of. https://youtu.be/5Yk36WihLl0?si=0GrZvuuDfQgrXbwX
Z
And everyone in the neighborhood with a peanut allergy has to evacuate. 😀
I
plus you can season them with whatever you want and they’re so good fresh I personally love roasting almonds tossed in tajin, cumin, black pepper, and a little bit of coarse salt. just toss it all around w/ some oil in a bowl and throw it in the oven. it’s amazing
M
r/crows sent me over to ask where you bought these and are there any left.
L
No shit, I have a bag of raw peanuts sitting in my freezer for the *one* day a crow visits and I can shower him/her with treats.
T
You gotta ‘Field of Dreams’ those nuts. If you put them out the crows will come.
L
Ooo ok I’ll give it a shot! Watch me herding chipmunks by the end of the week…
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