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In a quiet little town, two rival butcher shops, “Beefy Brothers” and “Meat Me Halfway,” have been embroiled in the most absurd feud for nearly two centuries. It all started when one butcher claimed his steaks were “moo-st tender,” prompting the other to print a sign reading, “Our cows are flown in by private jet.” Since then, they’ve been escalating their one-upmanship with increasingly ridiculous claims and pranks, like sending each other live cows adorned with balloons and wearing sassy t-shirts.
This feud now features annual “steak-off” cook-offs where townsfolk judge who has the superior cut, complete with over-the-top theme songs and costumes—the butchers dressed as superhero versions of their favorite cows! The hilarious irony is that nobody can remember why it started, but the town continues to thrive off their meaty rivalry; they even have a national holiday called “Beef Battle Day.” Who knew a simple claim about tender steaks could lead to a 186-year-long roast?
P
It’s moments like this I wish animals could talk like humans. I’d love to hear two 180+ yo tortoises hash out their beef.
A
They would probably be foul-mouthed and constantly hurl curses at each other.
T
Your momma was a hare.
T
*Gasp *. You take that back!
E
When I get over there I’m gonna kick your ass!
P
In five minutes!
A
“*Give me a shovel and I’ll bury you so deep that I could hand you over to Satan personally. I would put a stake through your heart and garlic around your neck to make sure you’d never come back. DING DONG, THE BITCH IS DEAD!*”
S
I would never get in a verbal argument with you.
B
This cracked me up because I’m always telling my cats if they don’t cut it out imma kill em in 5 minutes. Always 5 minutes.
R
And your father smelled of elderberries
B
The nearly 200 years old slurs they would be calling each other would probably be extremely specific.
T
“You dang soft shell!” “You rough scale!” “Yo momma so large, she couldn’t even fit in her shell!”
B
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!!
R
I fart in in your general direction!
F
~spends 45 seconds turning around~ ~dusty pffft~
J
“Guess what i did last night!” “What!” “I built that fire over there, and then i fucked your mother next to it!”
M
You ever heard a really old person get incredibly racist? It’s horrifying and also, sort of hilarious which is a weird mix…
D
Probably racist as fuck too at 180 years old
S
“You’re so dumb even Darwin won’t study you.”
Y
Even if you were the last of our species, and you may soon enough be, I still wouldn’t.
R
Sooooo…….a Call of Duty lobby then?
R
It’s the OG Grumpy Old Men.
B
Bet their voices would be like a granny’s who’s 80 and has been smoking for 75 years.
D
Mostly racist
L
Rick and morty ducks
P
179 years ago that bitch scuffed my new shell
L
UNHAND ME AT ONCE, HUMAN
M
Yeah you LUCKY he holdin’ me back!
S
#“IT WAS MY LETTUCE!! HE KNOWS IT WAS MY LETTUCE!!!”
S
this beef has more lore than Game of Thrones.
C
“Hey Larry, do you want the last piece of salad?” – “I don wan it”.
J
It’d probably be something simple like “That was my lettuce you ate and you know it!”
E
I wanna know what started it. Because I really hope it’s some trivial misunderstanding where both side made some stupid assumptions.
C
Cornelius: On guard you scoundrel! I saw you with Vanessa near the sideboard of lettuce and tomatoes! Prepare to be vexed by my wrath! Shellington the 10th: My good sir you are mistaken! Your eyes deceive you in the twilight of your years! I shall defend that of my honor and of the good lady you have mistaken as thine own! For she is my 58th wife Maria! You shall not slander hers or my good name! Prepare to be bested in battle! For I am Shellington the great! I have fought many a battle during the siege of Easter Island! Cornelius: My eyes do not deceive me! For you were with my sweetest of Vanessa! My 64th and most cherished of wives! She now professes her longing for you against my wishes! I will disarm you with my mighty shell and lay waste to your underpinnings with my powerful might! Let it be known on this day Sir Shellington the scoundrel has been bested by Lord Cornelius the 12th descendent of West Easter Island tortoises! The true king of the island. May all your wives and lettuce become mine!
S
Max: Good morning, dickhead. Gustafson: Hello, moron.
Y
[Probably something like this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukznXQ3MgN0)
T
Probably started with one stealing their gf/bf back before the Civil War.
T
I’m just imagining that scene in Grumpy Old Men when they were fighting out on the ice.
S
they probably have diss tracks on each other
S
HE ATE MY LETTUCE LEAF IN 1862 AND ILL NEVER FORGIVE THAT SUM BITCH!
M
It would probably be similar to esquie and Francois!
_
Mmmm, beef hash
W
Watch the last two afghan jews so you can have an idea of what this would be like.
S
Oh the stories they could tell
C
That was my piece of lettuce you asshole. Imma come over there and teach you a lesson.
B
Damnit Carl, you ate the last of the lettuce. I’m going to shit in your shell!
K
I didn’t even realise they were fighting i thought they were having sexy time
A
“You’re taking my resources!”
A
Those tortoises would probably say a lot of racial slurs
N
Outdated slurs
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