admin
**A Disturbing Lack of Faith**
Last Sunday, I decided to accompany my friend Steve to his church service. He had been raving about his pastor’s “invaluable insight” and claimed it would change my life. I walked in prepared for some spiritual awakening, but midway through the sermon, the pastor suddenly announced it was time for a “trust fall” exercise, where everyone had to catch their neighbor. I was roped into the chaos, and as I leaned back, I realized with horror that I was about to fall directly onto a particularly devout elderly woman who looked as sturdy as a bag of feathers.
Just as I fell, I screamed out, “I have little faith!” but it only made everyone around me laugh. The poor woman, bless her heart, turned out to be a ninja in disguise, catching me effortlessly while still clutching her bingo card in the other hand. The real miracle? No one got hurt, but I’m pretty sure my lack of faith got a solid workout that day!
N
So there is an aprocryphal gospel from the second century called the Infancy Gospel of Thomas which tells the stories of Jesus as a little boy where he has to learn to only use his powers for his instead of evil. But in the meantime he basically goes around murdering people who piss him off. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infancy_Gospel_of_Thomas
X
Jesus kills a child for running into him by accident *audible gasp* … the child was a henchman of evil ‘Oh ok’ I actually want to read this when I get home. Sounds like one of those atrocious fanfics that’s so bad it’s good.
C
Do you think “your honor, the homeless person I hit at 70mph on a residential street was a henchman of evil” would hold up in court? Maybe a texan court?
X
Well, I could legally change my name to Evil and employ him. Would that work?
V
That’s the gospel where Jesus is a cop.
G
Only if accompanied by the skin tone card from the family guy meme
K
There is a story where kid Jesus gets a reputation for child killing and child cursing, on account of all the kids he’s killed and cursed, when one of his friends falls off a roof and dies. Because of all the child deaths attributed to Jesus, people are suspicious and accuse Jesus of murdering his friend! Jesus denies it, but the mob doesn’t believe him, so he resurrects his friend, who comes to Jesus’s defence and tells everybody he himself was responsible for his own death! The actual book is as dry as the Bible, since it’s written to follow that style, but the story buried beneath the style is as insane as it sounds.
P
don’t forget that the parents of the dead kids complain and joseph is like “hey kiddo, our neighbours are fuckin pissed about you killing their kids”, so jesus strikes them blind for being whiny little bitches over a few measly dead kids then some ambiguous time later around when he resurrectes roof-friend people are like “dude, if you can do that, maybe you should, y’know…. fix your shit” and so he unblinds the crybaby adults and revives their lame-ass children
A
>Jesus kills a child for running into him by accident >*audible gasp* >… the child was a henchman of evil >‘Oh ok’ … but Jesus was driving a very polluting SUV *audible gasp*
P
But did it contain potassium benzoate?
C
That’s bad
1
*Blank stare*
3
But the henchman was turning a new leaf and making amends! *gasp!*
R
See everyone, having a new writer come in to do a darker, grittier take on an origin story has been happening for centuries.
W
I bet child jesus would have put some many fishes in so many asses.
1
The gospel of Thomas is so insane. Iirc it also talks about how for a woman to get into heaven, they have to become like a man. Pro trans gospel?
N
That’s a different gospel of Thomas.
1
Damn Thomas writing all he can but never getting published
N
Oh, there is also the Acts of Thomas in which Jesus tricks Thomas into going to India. There Jesus convinces men’s wives to become chaste, which gets Thomas in trouble due to mistaken identity. Being Jesus’s twin brother sucks.
S
You shall go no further on your way
R
Jesus is without sin. Murder is a sin as given to Moses by God. Therefore, Jesus cannot murder or he will not be sinless. He can smite people in holy retribution.
A
Darth Jesus.
C
Force choke fish joke
1
That sounds like a line in a parody rap. I want more.
D
I mean, Anakin was conceived by a virgin…
1
Good God I’m so upset that it was never retoconned. That was such a wildly awful choice by Lucas.
T
Pray he doesn’t turn the other cheek back.
C
Technically, the human body is like, what, 70% water or something? Fuck around and Jesus turns 70% of your ass into fucking Merlot.
A
https://smbc-comics.com/comic/2005-03-10 One of the very earliest comics from this guy was exactly that.
C
Lmao that’s awesome! Love how it’s even by the exact same dude.
T
Zach has written So. Many. Comics. There’s one for fucking *everything*.
E
Sounds like a good time to me. For a few seconds anyway.
M
Hey, I’m zach and I did the comic. Here’s another one I did about the pope: [Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal – Up](https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/up-3)
W
*Try me again, and next time I summon a Starfish!*
R
Talking *about* Jesus vs talking *like* Jesus.
P
This is SMBC btw, [https://www.smbc-comics.com/](https://www.smbc-comics.com/) A great rationalist comic strip. Edit: OP is literally the author. Awesome!
A
The only problem I have is the “Very well.” The correct line is “As you wish.” But I, too, find this money lender’s lack of faith…disturbing.
K
*must not uhm… Actually a silly comic!* *must not uhm… Actually a silly comic!* Uhm, actually, isn’t Jesus power not to make fish, but to multiply what was already there? Hence why he needed that one guy’s lunch to feed the crowd, he multiplied the bread and fish the guy brought for himself so everyone was fed and there were still several barrels worth of food left over. Though Satan claims Jesus has the power to turn stone to bread, it’s not a stretch to believe that Jesus has the power to turn other stuff to fish!
C
Thank you for saying it so I didn’t have to.
M
Jesus was presumably omnipotent and could probably make steak dinners rain from the sky. I interpreted that story as being a way of saying “so long as we share, we will always have enough” and to show that what one gives to God, no matter how seemingly useless in its size and importance, God will use to accomplish feats beyond your wildest expectations. I think in one story it’s a boy who hands over his lunch or something? And a disciple is like “how the heck does some bread and a few fish feed so many people” which overall kind of falls in line with the rest of the gospel which repeatedly emphasizes community, generosity, and a childlike faith. But as far as explicitly shown powers go, he also had the power to turn water to wine, which would probably be instantly fatal to humans lol.
M
“What’s the matter… Catfish got your tongue?”
D
Diablo 2 new class
G
Jesus Christ!
A
Force feeding the 5000.
X
So this makes the story of [St. Blaise](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blessing_of_the_Throats) a little more interesting
E
Jesus sat, legs crossed wide, while swirling a glass of water menacingly. “Did you know,” he asked the Roman noble as the water turned dark crimson, “that the human body is composed of seventy percent water?”
H
“Don’t try to frighten us with your sorcerer’s ways, ‘Son of God’. Your sad devotion to that outcast cult has not helped you conjure up what the Romans have stolen from us, or given you clairvoyance enough to find salvatio-” “I find your lack of faith disturbing.” “Jesus! Release him!” “As you wish”
3
Ethnically accurate Jesus
F
The Gospel according to Darth Christ: ‘I am altering the deal. Pray I don’t spawn a salmon in your lungs further.
L
Given what counts as “fish” in Christian religious doctrine, this could get interesting. Shellfish count as fish for Lent. So even if Jesus could only multiply fish not create them from nothing, this presumably would include all sorts of parasites including crabs.
GIPHY App Key not set. Please check settings