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I was minding my own business this morning, determined to eat healthy, when I decided to whip up a smoothie. As I threw in my kale, frozen berries, and what I thought was a scoop of protein powder, I couldn’t help but feel like a wellness guru. Little did I know, in my sleepy haze, I had grabbed a jar of cayenne pepper instead. The moment I took a sip, it felt like a flaming dragon had taken residence in my throat!
I went from feeling like I was nurturing my body to being convinced I had just burned a hole through my esophagus. My face turned various shades of red as I desperately reached for water, flailing like a fish out of water. So, while I officially learned that sometimes “healthy” can mean regrettable decisions, I also learned that smoothies might just have a secret rodeo on the palate—one that I was simply not ready for!
T
Never thought about it this way….but yeah, all of our appointments are violent LOL
M
And he didn’t even get to the medical ones! 🤣😑
B
They throw your mom onto a surgical table and stick this metallic bird beak right into her hoo-hah! Like CA-CAW!
F
And then they put her boobies in a hydraulic press!
L
And then they just cut her open and yank the baby out.
P
Ummm, a c-section is commonly done by ripping the layers of tissue with bare hands after they make an initial incision. The body even lifts up a little. That way the tissue heals up better.
I
So rip and tear until it’s done?
L
Like finding the remote when it’s stuck in the couch.
T
It’s rip and tear all the way down
C
It didn’t even need to be like that. That’s the fucked up part. The only reason women lay on their backs when giving birth is because it was more convenient for the male doctors. A better birthing position is doggy style. Millions of women, risking birth complications and C-sections, just because men ruled the healthcare system for so long.
P
Yeah. I was with my partner in the OR when they had to perform the c-section because our child got stuck. It was less and simultaniously more dramatic than it sounds, as in everybody was calm about it, but later we learned that both could have died without the c-section. So when we got to the OR there were a couple of lean surgeons and internists. And then there was the forearm-man, a slightly bent over, muscle-knotted man that exuded manual labour. He was basically the ripper-opener going to work after the initial cut was done. After the birthing the surgeon ties up the ripped edges which basically “grip” better – like puzzle pieces – because they’re not smooth edged. And if I remember correctly, cutting also increases the chance of the wrong layers of tissue attaching to each other during the healing process. Don’t take my word for that though. Birth is terrifying. But everyone got better.
I
Now I’m seeing a dwarf coming in with his big braided beard. He sets his axe down before coming over and ripping her open. Once he’s ripped her open, he just causally walks back to his axe, picks it up, and walks on down the hallway.
D
> but later we learned that both could have died without the c-section People generally only do c-sections when it’s the least violent option left.
M
What. The. Fuck.
Y
After moving and setting aside vital organs to get to the uterus. Once the baby is extracted, the put it all back in. And the woman is awake the whole. time.
S
LMAO! Ain’t that the truth?! 🤣
M
😂😂😂 and we are the weaker sex…
M
He should incorporate this bit in the routine. lol
D
Men: “Ugh this prostate exam is emotionally uncomfortable because it kinda feels good, oh man is it already over?” Women: “For your pap smear today we’ve got what I like call The Brock Turner…”
N
LMFAO This comment killed me
B
I don’t know if you’ve ruined my weekend or made it better with this cacaw nonsense….
M
[You mean like this one?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FjEn_M6dokQ)
A
Was 100% hoping it was this before I clicked it.
I
I figured someone would post Tanis putting the Hicks in their place.
E
I hadn’t heard of mitt before
S
I’d love to hear him talk about going to the gynecologist. “You go to the gynecologist and she gets into the stirrups and spread you legs like a turkey at thanksgiving. Then the DR brings out this metal spreader thing that looks like it was invented by either Frankenstein in the 1800’s or someone from some Rob Zombie horror movie.”
R
I was just gonna say our medical are just as torturous, barbaric even! 🤔🥲😂 MEN COULD NEVER
D
The first concepts of a chainsaw were meant for childbirth and cutting through diseased bone.
F
Exactly where my mind went.
I
My smear test was traumatizing.
V
“Your health and well-being is of the utmost importance to us. Here, put your tits in this vice.”
T
Get a massage, you deserve it.
E
That’s why they say that beauty is pain!
L
And it’s expensive to just be a minimally acceptable and presentable facsimile of a neutral-to-attractive human woman and then if you don’t split the bill you’re a goldigger. Like mofos wet their hair and put on some axe body spray, meanwhile I had to spend $60 just on the piece of clothing to hold my tits up.
S
this unlocked a core memory i didnt ask for.
W
Violent asf!
A
me when I go to ask the nice lady to stick an electric needle into what remains of a mustache a thousand times.. until it’s eventually just a few dozen times.. and we pay them to do it!!
B
“And she holds it up like the head of a soldier she just killed”. Damn man I laughed so fucking hard at the tiny goblin lady taking a war trophy from the Brazilian wax session…
E
Only reason for his mom to put herself through that would be to catch a new stepdad. /s
B
And it works!
M
Because they always do hold up the wax with your hair in it to show the success of the strip. LOL
S
I really enjoyed how Fallon tonight kept covering up the subtitles.
C
I don’t think NBC’s internships are paid
S
Doesn’t really have anything to do with NBC. It’s a social media watermark that automatically displays and moves over downloaded videos. It moves to make it harder for content thieves to erase/cover it up andd re-upload it as original content. If you ever see a downloaded and shared TikTok video the TikTok logo does the same thing.
R
I still couldn’t believe that Aubrey Plaza used to be a page for NBC; fwiw the NBC Page internship is at least paid with benefits and overtime, but my understanding is that the Page internship there is literally ‘Ivy League competitive’, all just because it’s a guaranteed foot in the door for NBC/Universal production and writing *I’ll give NBC credit for that much, the last time they got in trouble for unpaid internships was a decade ago
B
That watermark shows up when you download the video from Instagram, the original video in their IG account doesn’t have a watermark. The same things happens too in Tiktok.
L
Wow his voice is just crazy
I
That’s the Cuban accent for you. I have seen him on SNL and had no idea his parents were from Cuba and DR, looked him up because I recognize that accent.
F
i asked a guy i had recently met at my college if he was cuban and he tiredly went “because i sound like marcello hernandez?” (marcello had semi-recently done a show at our school) and i was like no dude you sound like all my cuban uncles. he was a lot more willing to talk when he realized i wasn’t profiling him or whatever… turns out he was nicaraguan though (but born and raised in miami!)
J
I mean tbf you were still profiling him, but in a more sincere way. Like drawing on actual life experience as opposed to weak stereotypes lol
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