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**What Happened:** Recently, I moved in with my girlfriend and, like any responsible adult, I had a list of important priorities: Wi-Fi set up, groceries stocked, and furniture arranged. But somehow, she decided that our first stab at a shared home décor experience should involve a life-sized cardboard cutout of a llama named “Lola” because “she brings good vibes.” So now, here we are, in our romantic little apartment, me trying to set the mood for a candlelit dinner while Lola watches on with her gleaming smile, as if judging every decision I’ve ever made.
**Why It’s Funny:** It’s like I’ve been tricked into an episode of a reality show I never signed up for, where I’m the flustered contestant stuck negotiating with an inanimate animal. I can almost hear Lola whispering, “This relationship is not going to work out unless you can embrace a llama-themed life!” Meanwhile, my girlfriend thinks it’s totally fine, blissfully living in her llama luxury while I plot ways to sneak in a little less fluff and a little more dapper style. Who knew living with a significant other would mean sharing space with a judgmental llama as well?
B
Well youve got way more than 3 seashells so i think youll be fine
P
HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO USE THE THREE SEASHELLS!
R
I’d give him Sally’s number, but I don’t think she wants it all over Reddit.
N
Best I can do is Jenny’s number.
V
Is Jenny’s full name Jenny G. Wentworth? If so, I already know her number. Thanks though.
H
… I hate that it just went through my head clear as day.
N
I have an annuity but I need cash now!
G
I have a structured settlement and I need CASH NOW!
T
Do you get long-term payments but you need cash now?
B
call 877 cash now! call 877 cash now!
M
ITS YOUR MONEY! USE IT WHEN YOU NEED IT
B
867-5309
F
🎵 867-5309 🎵
V
Sorry. It’s changed. I already made her mine.
R
Are you Jessie? Is she now Jessie’s girl?
V
Ya got me! But I can tell you how you can find a woman like her…
B
does scotty know?
R
Don’t tell Scotty.
A
Scotty *certainly* doesn’t know that Fiona and me do it in my van every Sunday
M
He thinks she’s at church. Still shes on her knees…
B
Would that be 867-5309?
M
Knew there was gonna be a three seashells reference. Found it at the top. Was not disappointed.
O
Makes me feel like everything is gonna be ok after all. Yay!
A
Be well!
R
>HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO USE THE ~~THREE~~ FORTY-EIGHT SEASHELLS! FTFY
V
I heard that she can sell them by the seashore.
P
Can someone explain the 3 seashell thing to me?
S
This guy doesn’t know about the 3 seashells.
F
Thanks a lot you shit-brained, fuck-faced, ball breaking, duck fucking pain in the ass. John Spartan, you are fined five credits for repeated violations of the verbal morality statute. [grabbing the tickets] So much for the seashells. See you in a few minutes.
K
Imagine the papercuts from the violations. Definitely not 2 ply.
F
Imagine choosing to shop at Walgreens just to wipe your butt.
A
I mean, it’s not like anyone’s shopping at Walgreens for the great deals or helpful service people.
B
I wouldn’t buy a can of soup on sale at a Walgreens.
J
After the franchise wars, all convenience store/pharmacies are Walgreens
B
dont those have carcinogens on them?
B
John spartan would you like to have sex with me????
X
You call that SEX?
U
Were police officers. We’re not trained for this kind of violence.
S
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo
H
r/thisguythisguys
P
God damnit. Apparently really stepped in it by asking
R
https://youtu.be/iR8T1h3_jps
P
Thank you
W
Funniest part about you not knowing is your user name. You’d never have a need for those shells anyway.
P
I was in my head, knowing the reference, but not remembering from where! Thank you!
D
Username checks out
S
>To briefly recap, Demolition Man (which was released 30 years ago this week, actually) is about a 1996 cop (Stallone) who is frozen and reanimated in 2032 to help stop a criminal from his time (Snipes). [The future is filled](https://gizmodo.com/a-demolition-man-style-taco-bell-is-coming-to-comic-con-1827174021) with all sorts of excellent, hilarious details ([Taco Bell!](https://gizmodo.com/taco-bells-demolition-man-restaurant-gave-us-nacho-frie-1827665977)) and one is that humans no longer use toilet paper in the bathroom. They use three seashells. > Apparently, this is a story [that’s been out there before](https://www.denofgeek.com/movies/demolition-man-the-origins-of-the-three-sea-shells-revealed/) but we hadn’t heard it and figured you all might be interested too. Basically, Waters couldn’t think of something futuristic in the bathroom, called his friend and fellow writer Larry Karaszewski (Ed Wood, The People vs. Larry Flynt) who happened to be in the bathroom at the moment. He looked around, saw some seashells as part of a potpourri set, and mentioned it to Waters. The rest is history.
B
Nice. The whole thing makes more sense now and is even funnier if the seashells are just potpourri or an embossed corporate logo, and everyone is so used to using a verbal command or something to activate the bidet.
H
It’s from the film Demolition Man. The protagonist ends up in the future and after going to the restroom comes out questioning where the toilet paper is. Then everyone laughs and makes fun of him for not knowing how to use the 3 seashells that were in the bathroom instead as toilet paper was abolished a long time ago. It’s never explained how to use them. They just move on.
F
He doesn’t know how to use the 3 seashells!
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