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Last Tuesday, I decided to track my daily activities like a fitness app would, but instead of counting steps, I ended up quantifying my life choices. I logged everything: the number of times I opened the fridge, how many snacks I consumed, and even the number of times I stared at my phone contemplating if I should actually get off the couch. By the end of the day, my stats showed a shocking 9.5 hours of “procrastination,” which I optimistically labeled as “strategic downtime.”
It turns out my life stats made me feel more like a lazy couch potato than a self-improvement guru. I realized that my biggest achievement was mastering the art of scrolling through memes while simultaneously justifying my lack of productivity with the phrase, “I’m just gathering inspiration.” It’s like a fitness tracker for the soul—except instead of running a marathon, I was just running late to the fridge!
in Funny
Statistics of Life
A
146liters of alcohol ? That’s like czech beer consumption per person each year
H
And yet somehow he was puking an average of 6 times per year.
E
Idk. If we’re talking lifetime numbers I think infancy and childhood probably front loads quite a lot of the total puke amounts. Babies and kids seem to puke quite regularly.
P
There are actual medical reasons someone might puke. Or maybe he’s also bulimic. He seems to have some other issues too.
H
Or, just a theory here, this is a dumb cartoon and the writer clearly put very little thought into the logic of all the numbers
O
You mean they didn’t do the math? Take that nonsense speak out of here
A
Rookie numbers, I’ve had a stomach virus twice within the last 5 years and both times I was puking more than 6 times per day for 2-4 days.
M
It was so fun you went ahead and got it again?
U
Imma guess that’s only the alcohol. A liter of beer at 5 percent would be 50ml per beer. That would check out better. Tho the kisses and had sex stats still seem dubious
W
Each beer is only like 5% alcohol, tho
P
Figure he drank for 20 years, that’s 146L of beer/yr, or 0.4L beer/day. Thats like top 30% of drinkers. Curve rises steeply after that though, he’s just an amateur.
N
it doesn’t specify the type so we need to assume that it’s actual ethanol. at 5% alcohol that would be nearly 3k liters of beer.
F
I read in an article somewhere that it takes around 100kg of ethanol consumption for a typical person to develop liver cirrhosis !
W
If it means in terms of pure alcohol within those beers, that’s 6-9000 beers. Assuming he didn’t start until 18 that still more than a beer a day on average.
J
That’s about 66 wanks per day for anyone wondering
S
Better get to it
S
Amazed he was physically able to have sex between those sessions. Or maybe he was concurrently?
Z
They fell and had accidental sex during a wank.
R
64 is the max i believe…
R
I’m astonished he lived so long.
C
Its called standards, ok?!
J
Rookie numbers
M
If you do it too much without a gap, it gets less pleasurable. Law of diminishing returns.
D
Dehydration is usually the key factor.
W
I did think the alcohol count was very low tbh
A
If he started drinking with 18, and only drank beer, that’s on average 4 beers per week.
W
Thats quitter talk. 🤣
S
Gotta pump those numbers up 😄
P
I was like “that doesn’t sound right” so decided to double check the math and… Damn, you’re right.
O
Clearly stat padding by counting every stroke.
W
It is a sin after all.
R
So he died of dehydration
S
Piers?
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A
While also walking 10 miles a day
H
Dominate your neighborhood! The old walk n wank
W
Does that factor in sleep?
G
and did you take in mind that he probably started at 13? Maybe the number is even higher
D
96 times per day, 4 times per hour, once every 15 minutes
N
I just posted the same thing before I saw your comment lol.
K
No wonder he died of a heart attack.
S
4.19 wanks per km
I
Before I die, im tryna give up my 2 worse habbits, smoking and wanking I’m a 20 a day kind of guy and I like the occasional cigarette too
E
Those are amateur numbers, right?
V
It’ll be a higher number if you exclude the first 12 or 13 years from his total age.
D
Assuming he got started around age 12, that becomes 90.2 wanks a day.
G
Using those sleep years to wait for puberty.
G
You weren’t wanking at 6? Amateur!
S
What’s the record?
S
It should be pointed out these numbers are writen with a comma decimal notation, i.e. a comma is used as a decimal point, not a dot. For example, EU mainly uses this notation. So it’s 856 thousand 346 Not 856 point 346
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